One week in

I weighed in yesterday. 282. That is 4.5 lbs in a week. YAY! I went through an entire week with no binges and worked out 5 days. I'm back to 30lbs down from my highest point! I'm feeling great!

My 4 year old is still struggling with sugar and his cravings. We spent one entire week working closely with him trying to help him overcome his withdrawls. Then yesterday we had a Halloween party at our house and there were treats galore. Now we have to do it all over again. Sigh. Still plugging along. This will take time.

Thank you again for all your support and care and prayers. We need it and thank you for being there for us!
Em

A shocking wake-up call

These last few days have been great for me as I am reawakened to the purpose behind this journey. It has been hard for some members of my family, though. Two of my four children have picked up all my bad habits and are really struggling. The 10 year old is probably going to be the one who has more long term issues with food but the 4 year old is the really intense one right now. He is absolutely
FREAKING out over the lack of sugar in our house. He has been throwing a fit for three solid days because he wants treats so bad. Watching his very volatile reaction is a chilling reminder of what I have been doing to my whole family.

Yesterday we went to the grocery store, just him and me, to shop for healthy foods. We have had a depressing lack of fresh vegetables and whole grain snack foods and needed to stock up. We bought tons of vegetables and fruits and he helped me pick them all out. He had been promised that he could pick a healthy treat and we had pre-determined that it would be yogurt (he LOVES the stuff). As we walked to the back of the store to buy the milk and the yogurt we kept passing all the halloween candy and the center aisles stuffed with holiday baking supplies. He kept saying, "Let's get that. That looks yummy." etc. I said that we were going to get our healthy snacks and he started crying and yelling, "I want sugar!"

Wow!

I ended up buying some carmel corn flavored "Quakes" rice snacks (one of my favorite sweet treats at only 60cal) and I told him we could have some when we got to the car. As he climbed into the car the bag popped and a bunch of crumbs fell on the floor of the car. He literally dropped to his knees and started shoveling the crumbs into his mouth with both hands. It was a physical representation of the internal panicky craving I have frequently experienced. For a moment I just stood there staring at him and wanting to scream and cry. How on earth did we get here? I came to my senses and stopped him. I reminded him that we were going to have snack and that we didn't need to "clean up" by eating the crumbs. He helped me to brush them on to the ground and we got our 7 mini-cakes each and headed on our way.

I need to note that he was hungry and in need of a snack but the craving was the main culprit. On a normal, treat filled day, he would never have behaved that way. He's in sugar de-tox. We adults tend to bury our cravings and our behaviours under a layer of pretending because of our shame. This little guy just let it all hang out since he hasn't learned that shame (thank heavens). It was like watching the inner insecure child in me acting out without abandon.

I don't ever, ever want to forget that moment. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced as a mother. I am making this change for me, yes, but when it's hard to remember that fact I will remind myself of my four year old scrambling to shovel crumbs in his mouth from the floor of my car and I will keep going because I can't fail at this. I can't create an environement where my children are set up for all the diseases both physical and emotional that accompany a life of food addiction and obesity.

This is for me and this is for them. We all deserve to be whole.
I will never forget.

No Regrets

I've been thinking today about the things that I regret. I'm not just talking about a little bit of wistfullness but true regret that hurts your heart. It's funny but I don't regret NOT eating something yet I DO regret choosing to eat a lot of things. I don't regret taking a walk but I DO regret passing up an opportunity to be active. I don't regret spending time with my family or friends and I DO regret concentrating on food more than people at different occassions and events.

The point? This may be obvious but it bears asking. If I know I'm not going to regret passing up an extra serving at dinner but am going to regret the extra pounds it adds then why do I choose to do it anyway? This is a good thing to remind myself of.

Last night as dinner time approached I started to feel that panicky need-to-eat feeling. I knew that evening were typically the hardest part of the day for me so I started to pray and pray and pray. I sat down at the table and made sure I set it with the small dinner plates to help with portion control. I drank a full glass of water before eating then dished up a large helping of vegetables and ate all of those before the main dish. I had the main dish and really wanted more. Since I'm not sure if I wanted more because I was still truly hungry or just because that is how I've trained my body I decided to wait for ten minutes and if I still wanted more I could have a small serving of seconds. After ten minutes of sitting and chatting with my family I decided I really was still hungry so I dished up a small serving. I was sure I would finish it all but I realized that I really didn't need quite that much and I was able to leave the last bit on my plate. This might seem like a small thing but it is a personal victory and I'm continuing on with my resolution to CELEBRATE the progress I make. And you know what? I don't regret not eating that last bit of food.

Today is another day where I am working to have a day free from regrets. Yesterday was good and I'm going to have another one today. Thanks to my family and friends who are all so kind to support me. I love you guys!
Em

BTW - the picture is of me with my new haircut. The picture doesn't really do it justice. It's super cute!

A Fresh Start

Today I weighed in at 286.5. This is a wake up call. At my lowest point I saw 268 but most of the time I was at 272. That means that I have gained back 14.5 pounds. I keep thinking of that line from Star Trek: First Contact. "The line must be drawn HERE. This far. No further!" AMEN!

I've been thinking a lot today about lies I tell myself. These are lies that I have come to believe so deeply (although not necessarily consciously) that when I hear the truth I discount it. I'm not going to relist them all right now as there are too many for my limited time but here are two that are particularly applicable to this blog.

LIE - I have to be in "new ground" of weight loss for it to really count.
TRUTH - no matter that I have regained some weight. The real journey is always today. Today I am making good choices and I will celebrate my successes started right now. When I lose some weight I'm not going to wait to "count it" until I'm back under 272. Losing weight it losing weight!

LIE - I can't share with my friends and family the successes of right now because it's too embarassing to admit my failures from before.If I tell them (or post on my blog) that I'm down, say, 3.5 pounds then they will assume that it's down from my lowest weight and I'll have to set them straight. I'm too ashamed.
TRUTH - I have the best support system of almost anyone I know. My family and friends love me and accept me for who I am and they are cheering me on each and every day. In addition, should someone choose to judge me or reject me then that is their problem. I CHOOSE to be joyful over the successes I experience right now.

So. I'm removing the "I LOST 40 LBS" button from my sidebar and putting up new ones based on my highest weight. I started this journey almost a year ago at 312. My new goal is 282 which will be 30 lbs lost. When I reach that it will be a true victory and I will accept it as such!

I'm celebrating my successes of today - I exercised for 35 min. and I've eaten conciously all day today. I'm facing my day proactively. Not just in areas of food and exercise but in all things. I've studied my scriptures, written in my journal, updated this blog and taken time for meditation and prayer. I feel powerful.

This is my scripture for today.
1 Nephi 1:20
"And behold I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all whom he hath chose, because of their faith, and he will make them mighty, even unto the power of deliverance."
That is so wonderful! I love the thought of tender mercies making me powerful enough for deliverance. That is what I long for - to be delivered from the bondage of this addiction. It will come!

Feeling defeated

Last October - specifically October 28th - I took a long hard look at my life and faced the fact that I was desperately unhappy with how I was living. I realized that my fears and my addiction to food were ruling my life to the point that I wasn't actually living it anymore. Through a lot of tears and heartache I was able to really see what it was that I was doing to myself. It was ugly. It was painful. It changed me. I began working through my church's 12 step program for addiction focusing on my addiction to food. I began to feel hope for the first time in years that I could actually change the person that I was into a new, whole, healthy person. As I studied and prayed and focused on that change of heart I began to develop new habits that resulted in my losing 40 pounds in about 4 months. I felt like I was unstoppable.

Then I faced an illness and a surgery that began to derail my healthy habits. I started backsliding but I recognized what was going on and I pulled out of it for while. That began a five month process of on again off again. I would do really well for a while then something would change and I would just lose control for a while. At first it was mostly good days with a few bad days then gradually it became mostly bad days with a few good days. Since the middle of August I have really had almost all bad days. One or two days here and there I'll feel like I can do it again. I'll pull it together. I'll exercise and eat well and drink lots of water and just live conciously. But it doesn't last. Realistically it's now been weeks since I've really had a good day. I'm just unable to recapture that focus and passion. I'm a slave to my addiction again.

I've felt the hope. I've felt the control. I've felt the joy of accomplishing what I'm trying for. I've also felt the shame and the heartache and the pain of feeling like I'm too weak and incapable. I absolutely prefer the joy so why am I still here? What payoff am I getting that is keeping stuck in this prison????? I feel so defeated. I just don't seem to care enough to really make it happen, to commit my heart and soul.

Sorry for such a depressing post. One thing I do know is that if I'm not completely honest I can never heal. Here it is. The complete honesty of my sucky thought process right now. I need my butt kicked. I need something to bring me back to that passion and purpose that I had before. The vision that I had of me living my healthiest, happiest, fullest life is gone. I can't even see it in my head anymore. Without that vision and the belief that it could really happen there doesn't seem to be any point in putting the effort and self-denial into it all.

I've gained back 14 pounds. I'm still down 28 from my highest weight but I seem to be on the gaining track now.

*sigh*

Shut up you stupid DIET!

I've been fazing in and out of the battle of the bulge for the last few weeks. Finally it has been hitting me why I'm not having success and why I have no motivation. This has turned into a diet. Ug! I HATE diets! I refuse to go on another diet ever...for the rest of my life. Dieting is hunger, stress, confusion, cheating, failure, shame, depravation. Who wants to do that? I mean, really!

No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!! I will not diet. I will NOT DIET!

(deep breaths)

Okay, here is the reality of the situation. I am an addict. I get the same pay off from food that someone else might get from a drug. I turn to food for comfort, entertainment, stress-relief, sadness, celebration. A diet says to me "stop eating junk and start exercising". Great advice, Diet. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, yeah. Because I'm an ADDICT! The only way to overcome addiction is to learn how to face those needs and deal with them instead of trying to mask them. I have to go through serious mental, emotional and physical changes and a diet will only address part of one of those categories. These are some of the things I need to have occur in order for me to truly heal and become and whole, non-addicted person.

Mental Changes - I need to learn healthy ways of thinking of food. I'm not just talking nutrition but learning how to make decisions in the heat of the moment and keep myself from getting in bad situations.

Emotional - I need to face my fears, stresses, happiness, anger, etc. head on and not try to stuff those emotions down with food. Being proactive about the situations I may face and learning how to cope with my feelings properly will take the pressure off so I won't have that need to medicate.

Physical - I have to learn new cues. My body has been trained to give me faulty information about hunger and satiety. I need to retrain it to understand proper portions and timing. In addition I need to train myself to move constantly.

So many changes need to happen that it can seem overwhelming but I don't have to worry about the entire process. I just need to focus on today. Right now. This moment. And in this moment I can choose to make healthy choices. I will start right now by actually getting to bed before midnight. So, good night, sleep well and dream of what the future can bring. No DIETS allowed!
Em

Feeling like a sheep

I actually got up this morning and went walking. It was very enjoyable as it was a beautiful morning, clear and little cool and breezy. I would have enjoyed it even more if it weren't for the very large black dog that was loose that suddenly came running toward me, scaring the *&^% out of me and then followed me for a couple of blocks until I finally just turned and headed for home. As I turned up my street the dog headed the other way and I thought, "Good, I'll just loop up past my house and go around the other block." As soon as I had thought that the dog turned around and came right back behind me. For the rest of my street he just trotted along exploring the lawns on either side of the street, always staying just close enough to make me nervous. I assumed that when got to my house he would continue on up the street, exploring the rest of the houses on the block. Oh, no. I walked up my driveway and he immediately returned from the next door neighbors yard and came right up to me. When I go walking I like to finish up with a few quiet minutes on my front steps before I go in and face the chaos of cleaning and breakfast and children but this time I just walked right inside my house. I felt like I had been herded right in the door. I did get a decent walk in but not nearly as nice as it would have been without the interfering mutt.

Always one for analogies and drawing parallels I'm led to think about the way that I am herded into making choices by outside forces and my own fear in dealing with them. If I were a great pet lover and used to dogs (and not still afraid of the larger varieties thanks to that horrible mean dog that I had to deal with every day on the way to and from school as a child) I would probably have eventually called it over and checked for a collar and tried to find the dogs owners. At the very least I wouldn't have been as nervous as I was and I wouldn't have had that unpleasant tingling of adrenaline running up and down my spine the entire time. How does this compare to other areas of my life? How many times do I choose to make a decision based on my fear of change, my fear of offending someone, my fear of being judged? Do I let others opinions and personalities herd me? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a pretty strong personality myself. I haven't seen myself as someone easily dominated. I think that it's more subtle. It's more my desire for approval that makes me bow to anothers opinion and I think it happens under my own radar - many times I don't even notice what I've done until it's over. It also makes me realize that I may be the person who does this to others. Am I actually the dog???

Deep questions that will have to wait until after breakfast (whole grain pancakes - mmmmm, yummy).

Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm not giving up. I feel like I've really been strengthened over the last week or so and I'm really looking forward to a healthier, happier fall.
Em